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10th May 2010

Well its been a few days since my last entry lol me and my dirty mind, not that kind of entry thats been a lot lot longer but anyway.....

Not much has happened over the weekend, its been fairly quiet but I have noticed that recently I seem to be really in touch with my emotions or at least I think I am.  I sound so pathetic and cheesy saying that even to myself but I dont really care for once I guess its a nice feeling.

Maybe Im always too in touch with my emotions though and its just that its a different kind of emotions that seem to be jumping all over the place, sort of.  Its hard to explain and I dont want to say it but is it "love"?  It feels like it and im pretty sure it is.  Im trying to supress it but I cant seem to at all and Im not scared of that feeling for a change.  I think I used to probably push it away but maybe because Im older now and a lot  more clearer in my head too.

Its weird all I can think about a lot of the time is "M" but Im trying not to but I feel so good when I do.  I get a warm fuzzy feeling all over and inside like Im glowing or something.  Its a feeling that you never want to end.  Apparently love is a chemical reaction in the body or something like that lol the thing is my heads sort of clouded by the feeling too although it does make sense in my head.  Maybe thats the chemical aspect of the manifestation of love that makes your head not function right or maybe it really really really does make sense.  I think I could actually drive myself insane trying to work it out or trying to find some logic to it because theres probably millions of different scenarios for that logic to work and I think I could find every single one of them.  That probably sounds really crazy, it probably wont even make sense to me later on.  Maybe it will for as long as I feel like this?

I dont want to stop feeling like this not just the feeling too but the cause of it.  My heads mixed up between trying to figure out if its a good thing or a bad thing to depend on someone.  Good because you should be able to depend on someone (not completely of course for everything) and its nice too and you would hope that they know that the same goes for them too or is it bad because then when you depend on someone and something happens lts like someone knocking you off your feel and you fall to the floor "emotionally"  and Ive felt that feeling a couple of times.

Maybe I should stop analyzing things so much.  Its good to think about things and try and rationalize them so that they make some kind of sense and you know what you are doing and that its the right thing and all that but its not too good to do that too much.  Although a thing Ive noticed with past relationships at times Ive had to argue in my head that I am happy and that is is the right thing but this time its the opposite Im trying to convince myself that maybe Im not really happy and its all in my head or that its not the right thing.  Ive never had to do it that way so does that mean that it is really?  It definitely feels that way and when I think about it in my head it seems that way.

Anyway Im a bit tired today.  I could use a nap for a couple of hours so I might try and have some, my daughter is sitting on the other computer playing bloody turbo racing though so I should probably ask her to turn the noise down just a little.

The police came to the door yesterday but didnt arrest me and explained a load of stuff etc but I wont go into it right now because Im really too sleepy and cant be bothered writing it all down and well again Im waiting for the lawyer to call me.  Ill call again soon and leave another message and if he hasnt got back to me by tomorrow tea time I will probably be looking about putting in a complaint.  I may only be on legal aid but the price thats paid to the lawyer is still probably the same so I am entitled to the same as any other paying client legal aid or not.

Right time for the please turn down the computer arguement lol although she has been fairly ok the last few days although I havent seen much of her all weekend but she came back tonight and has been fairly ok and in a good mood which is great.  I hate arguing and stuff its just a pain in the arse and I really rather not if it can be helped.  Obviously sometimes an arguement is a good way to clear the air and get things out but when its about stupid things and everyday its just crap.

I am sooo sooo sleepy today I feel like Im getting more sleepy by the second.  Defintiely naptime.